Posts Tagged ‘stream of consciousness’

materialism

Tuesday, November 4th, 2014

Every year i want to make the garden bigger until there is a farm there maybe and mountains instead of the neighbors hoovering houses. Besides the white dog there will suddenly be two big cows and you will teach me how to talk to them in cow language and how to milk them without stressing them out, I will have my first drink of hot foamy milk right out of the bucket. Chickens lay eggs and have to be killed one day to be put on the grill.
So Im never happy, i was told by a hater. im extremely content with a simple humble life and my real goal in life is to fall off the grid.
Maybe like an old friend of mine, (same age, same long ago HS school), i should have two houses, one at the beach, two pick up trucks, exotic antiques, two snowmobiles, a motorcycle, three jet skies, a sloppy sex affair, a son that secretly shoots heroin and a chocolate lab named sparky. ahhh yes. this is the true american life. maybe people will like me then.

Or the guy that abandoned his life in new jersey, googled his sons name twenty years later and got the boys obituary. i always wondered where this dude went. we were so close in our teens and twenties. we dropped acid, laid on our backs in carteret park and watched very low flying 747’s fly by directly overhead to land at newark airport. he comes back from missing after several decades and turns out he was having a fucking blast. the west coast baby. the sunsets. the chicks. the open air concerts. learning and working a new trade. converted a lesbian to have sex with him and getting her pregnant and abandoning them too. never a dime of child support and then another kid- getting some random chick preggo at Burning Man Festival in nevadas black rock dessert and oh yeah the methamphetamine. it brings the best of us down to our knees empty handed holding our dripping soul in our hands. where were you when your kids needed you out having fun going to concerts that i wanted to go to fucking all the chicks that i wanted to get pregnant and all the icy cold northern crabbing jobs that i wanted in alaska and cooking and smoking meth you lucky fuck. damn you. turns out-even if you’re a fucking dick they will have a parade for you when you come home
F_tunnelBLOG
one late night this past summer, there were three of us jetting down lost highways somewhere in upstate new york. just coming back from an exercise in small theater, menopause the musical and there we were. i pulled the car over. there were no houses. no streetlights. no other cars on the road. we were sandwiched by two empty fields. i turned off the headlights. i turned off the car. i rolled down the windows. and there it was: the single most amazing moment of my summer (damn i miss summer) it was just blackness..and blazing stars. the cascade of crickets. and lightening bugs. yes the lightening bugs. hundreds flickering and i wanted to get out of the car. open the door. get out and look around and embrace the moment but i was talked out of it. (SAFETY???) and i understand that. kinda. i should have got out of the car. so now one day i will go back there before i die. whether i am alone or with someone…i will go back there and get out of the car. Only this time I will be driving the Lexus LFA Nurburgring.

truly people, how important is Consumerism and One-upsmanship when spirits of the past constantly whirl around you and moan “it means nothing you foooooool nothing. money shouldnt be your journey to happiness…” these bastards should know. been there done that they say and if you ever stop your Lexus LFA Nurburgring in the middle of nowhere just to listen to the crickets and star gaze then you will understand

in a very recent blog post i wrote of my fascination with my brothers Glenns earthly clean up. he had nothing. he had nothing and he was extremely miserable. so maybe im wrong about all this Buddhist horseshit. LIVE LIFE and go crazy. buy things. big expensive things. surround yourself with materialistic happiness. life is short. go for it. take as many vacations as you can. if you cant afford this, then charge it all on your credit cards. after all my brother Glenn lived this way with drugs. it made him happy and he couldnt charge the drugs so he begged borrowed and stole for forty years.
Actually the third sibling death in our family should have been ME! i am number three. third born first son.
We aren’t dying IN ORDER damn it so be very fucking careful

one day i would hope to come to this blog and type “dear readers…” but not one word of that would ever be true. laughing my ass off.

josh when you graduated high school im sorry couldn’t get you that laptop you wanted as a graduation gift
jonny i wish i could give you tuition to four years rutgers with on campus room books and a six pack (abs not beer)
layla remember the kites at the giant games tailgate windy parking lots. i wish could have done more for you but thank god for Buc. and ill find that canvas one day
ashley such a sweet girl my first daughter. remember that time i made you swim in the ocean?
anna there are times i really feel like your dad but i just want you to know this: if i was in Ikea with you when you were a little girl i would have purchased that play kitchen set you were crying for

mom empty your stinking ashtrays and open up the windows of imagination to your kids. remember when you gave us every shop rite food can in the kitchen, flipped over the wooden toy-box to make a counter so we could play “store”?? And that lasted for hours on that cold rainy day. if you use your imagination you can own anything. i never expected you to turn our back yard into a fake farm on our birthdays but you always made us feel special somehow. we all do the best that we can do with our kids. parental love is indescribable until we remember to be human
there will come that day when they don’t need you anymore. there will come that day when they don’t come home.
so now, so so so now …so now..we sit here with our empty arms out stretched waiting for something to fill them

) maybe grandkids?)