Over the river and thru the woods….

a letter written in 1918, tells me where the Hartmann's lived!

A letter received several years ago from Mendam NJ after an inquiry by our sister Barb about our two great aunts on our fathers side. Our grandfather came from a family of 12. Really, 13 but “he” died early in life. Health was a fragile thing in the beginning of the twentieth century. All you really need to do is walk through an old cemetery to see the short life spans and large number of young children.
SO this first large family of Hartmanns in the United States of America lived in Jersey City. When I first saw that address, I knew that one day, I had to go there.

"Rosy" my navigator will guide me with sweet robot voice

SO here we go, over the river and thru the woods. I was pretty excited, almost like I felt as if the entire family of 15 was waiting for my arrival.

In our great aunt Gertrude’s original letter she stated that she was born in NYC on June 6 1888.
Between 1820 and 1880, thousands of German and Irish immigrants arrived in New York City as men, women and children left their homeland to escape civil unrest, persecution and the repeated failure of the potato crop. Initially, many of the Germans settled in what became known as Little Germany, a section of the city east of the Bowery and extending from Houston Street to 12th Street. She also states that her mother’s name was:
Clara M. Flanger and her fathers name was:
Charles R. Hartmann
The first American Hartmann family had FIFTEEN children!! One sister and one brother died early so there were 13. Of these 13 I only know the name three of them. My grandfather George Joseph and his two sisters Gertrude and Frieda who both became nuns and therefore our sister Barb has attained their records by writing a letter to their home sisterhood.
The church mentioned in Gertrud’s letter “Church of St Joseph Yorkville” at 408 East 87th Street still stands. It is there where I am going to attempt to get Baptismal records that may give me the remaining names, birthdates of the NINE girls and FOUR boys. I might also be able to discover exactly when they moved to 15 Cambridge Ave in Jersey City, New Jersey.
Gertrude also mentions that her father Charles was a printer…as am I!
The Journey
I don’t know the name of that bridge but I it got me into Jersey City.

It was a weird day. I felt very alone and tired. Wishing someone was here with me on this journey.
Before the bridge, passing the city of Newark. To me: a very depressing city with an even more depressing name. The only ties our family have there are that my aunt Carol and her husband Fred (Rebel) Dooley met there and married. Strange how a country boy from Alabama ended up as a parking lot attendant. I remember they owned a red VW punch-bug and me and my sister Barb rode in the back with the top down to go to their apartment that was on the top of a very large building there.

The "Red Light" beggar


This was one of the most remembered things of this journey. Waiting at the red light after the bridge…I’m in Jersey City. This beggar walks in between the cars with a paper cup. Looking for money. I gave him a handfull of change from my change jar that I keep in the car. He was very grateful. I watched in the rear view mirror behind me the dressed up fancy smancy couple, shake their heads, roll up their window and then roll their eyes.

Old time Jersey City New Jersey. Turn of the century. No cars. No cell phones. Blue crisp sky day. Buried in time.

“Rosy” my navigator was taking me through the streets of Jersey City 2011, where one hundred years earlier my great grandfather, mother and his kids played, shopped and worked. She took me down the very long main street, full of shops, cars and a melting pot of race, creed and color. Some things never change.
I was almost there now, according to “Rosy” 15 Cambridge. “Make the next left to arrive at destination.”
I’m not quite sure what I was expecting but of corse I wasn’t expecting this.

When I turned the corner onto Emerson Street…I was expecting everything to maybe turn black and white. I was looking for Charles R. Hartmann’s kids to be playing on the street. I was looking for a sepia sky, trolly cars, horse carriages. I was looking for maybe Clara Hartmann to be coming down the steps pregnant.

These were the streets of my heritage. That in this space a family of 15 lived, struggled, had dinner together, celebrated holidays and never once thought that one century later the fathers son of one of their own would come here looking for them.

Of corse I was disappointed. It was obviously not the same house, it was not the same street and certainly wasn’t the same city. Everything had changed. There were no survivors. Nobody remembers “The Hartmann’s” … that big German family with the printer father. Everything was buried deeply in time. And in another hundred years, another hundred families will have been born and raised on these streets. That time and technology are interlocked into a giant machine that consumes the human spirit. All the laughter, tears, hopes and dreams of 15 Cambridge Street are gone. Not too long ago, they were the most important things in the world to the Hartmann’s. I just had to get out of the car and breath the air, walk the street, where once horse carriages trampled by. I looked around… and the wind blew some old newspapers down the street……….

15 Cambridge, Jersey City, New Jersey.

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Excuse me, while I kiss the sky.

Oh, James you said it so well. With your guitar licks and deep lyrics. Don’t be afraid of the dark anymore. One day I’ll be home. Wherever and whatever that is.
If I owned a home AGAIN-it would be a happy little brick house with happy landscaping and a big big big tree to protect me from harm. I could cut the grass and smell the flowers, grow vegetables – happy vegetables – and put up a fence to keep out bad people. Happy little bad people. Life would be good. I would have a garage with happy tools to make happy things. People would drive by and say, “Hey, look at that happy little brick house on the corner over there!! And the house would say, “You’re damn right!” Inside the happy house would be happy people and life would be happy. The end.

the smug brick house on the corner

Oh

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Desperate Houswives

Act 1 Scene 6
A dimly lit restaurant in Soho New York. Butch and Coco are sitting in the corner, the only patrons. It is well past closing time. A waitress is nervously walking back and forth sometimes stopping and looking at her watch.
Coco: It’s closing time.
Butch: Life is too short for closing time. This place should be open all night, not fucking McDonalds.
Coco: Shhhhhhhhh
Butch: Don’t “shhhh” me, I’m picking up the tab……again.
Coco: Hey, I always offer to pay, you shoot me down. Besides I make more money than you now anyway.
Butch: (slurring) Who woulda thought?? It’s only a couple more months and we will have a fucking woman president! How did your gender do it? The climb was so high. It’s amazing that you did it with so many feet pushing you down…. it’s like … like … like..
Coco: (laughing) Salmon?
Butch: (deadly serious) Salmon!?? What the fuck are you talking about??
Coco: You know, swimming up stream? Salmon swim up stream to lay their eggs.
Butch: (laughing out of control now) Ha ha ha YOU are comparing the womans journey in society with a fish?? Ha ha ha. That’s just too much. Oh shit, speaking of salmon, was yours a little dry tonight?? Ha ha hee hee. Oh stop it. I can’t stop laughing….I’m gonna fart…
Coco: I thought men didn’t fart??
Butch: Yes that’s right. Yes. The role reversal is almost complete. First you can vote, then you can kill your babies, then you take our jobs, our cars, and we are stuck home with the dirty laundry and children. Soon in a hundred thousand more years of evolution we, the men, will grow boobs.
Coco: Shhhhh, your getting loud. You had too much wine.
Butch: (stands up and slowly turns around} Does my ass look fat in this?
Coco: You DON’T have an ass!
Butch: (bends over and sticks out his rear) Well kiss this assless ass then.
Coco: (winks) Anytime babe…
Butch: (looks at the waitress in the corner) Hey, are you closing?
Waitress: (looks at her watch) Yes, sir. Well, sir, yes, ummm well, actually we ARE closed.
Butch: Oh, sorry. (turns around slowly and points his rear at the waitress) Does my ass look big in this?
curtain.

This time it’s for real. I can’t believe it is two years since my layoff in New York City. I miss that city, even the deadly commute. The rain, snow, slush, vomit – the blue skies, excitement, shadows of the buildings, the wind lifting yesterdays news into the white puffy clouds. That fearless island of Manhattan, the clients, the color, the RGB, the cmyk, the lessons learned, taught and forgotten. The neon lights like the sun. The night shift. The 10 block walk to the bus. People met. People lost. Friendships blown away up into the puffy white clouds. In those two years, I must remember where I have been. This is where I came from; getting thrown on the street, like garbage, having no money, no bed, but never no hope. Never lose track of the fact that in the last ten years the climb from hell has been done SOBER.

You can destroy my family while you sit all smug in your corner brick home, trying desperately to forget. Eating home made bread on home made woven chairs, sharing stories of how drab life is. To wake up and smell the shit of your wife or husband everyday. The alarm clock is a ground hogs day nightmare. Everyday, the same thing at the same time except once, you had to call the fire department and even that was blamed on me. When they finally bury you, you will still be looking over your shoulder and if they don’t burn your body, they will have one hell of a fucking time trying to close the coffin.

Trips planned with the navigator:
1. Find Dads Westfield home. I know I saw that address somewhere.
2. Punch in the Jersey City address found on our dead aunts letter to admit into the sisterhood. Man, I miss those nuns!

I have seriously been trying to find Dads side of the family on this nifty new tool called “the internet” My God, where would we be without it. My two boys love the stories I tell of the “OLD DAYS” black and white TV, no PC, no MAC, … days of playing records on the record player, Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, days of using the encyclopedias for homework reference, of even cutting out the pictures to use in reports. Of snow storms so big, and we never really knew they were coming because weather technology was so bad back then. Today they are closing the schools are giving “delayed openings” before even ONE SNOWFLAKE even hits the ground. Days when holidays were really magical and even suspenseful. Days when Cracker Jacks had REAL “Surprise Inside” and drive-in movies were on the weekend, and you could see the Sayerville Drive-in movie theater eveytime you went over that bridge in Perth Amboy.
THERE ARE NO MORE Drive -in movie theaters in New Jersey. So my “get rich quick” scheme is to bring one back. Think about it: All the graphics would be retro 1950’s theme. Mostly play old movies, remember DOUBLE FEATURES ??? B grade horror. CHEAP POPCORN. Sneaking people in the trunk. Full moon specials. People would come from MILES AROUND, maybe even from out of state, to come to my retro movie theater……….and then…..the novelty would wear out. It would rain. People would get sick of my drive – in movie theater and I would go broke, close the doors and weeds would grow ten feet tall where the cars used to park…. and under the light of a hot Summer full wolf moon … I would sleep there next to the tree weeds in my car. Scheming and dreaming and listening to the AM radio……

Posted in Self Portrait, Uncategorized | 37 Comments

you made me smile

An anthology of our love. Drawn crinkled
Curtains. Capacious
day. Another in and out cloud-filled sky.
I’m sick and tired of writing about my rapturous crap. Drowning
In my own self-pity.(my real)curiosity is
Of your soft inner thighs(and the smell)
Of fresh cut grass. Now
As the wind kicks in. Your sunflowers
swaying in a huddled group. Your
stories are beautiful. It touches my senses (fills my eyes)
There are dead crows everywhere. Lobster restrictions.
In the crispness of dusk, people flee the streets, as
the mosquitoes rise from the marshes, weathervanes twist sharply,
hammering keyboards in the darkened day, wondering if your lips
Are achievable. The irrelevance of my brightly-lit-ego-marquees
In the hushed fog of early morning bike rides, head bowed in prayer,
wondering if you are there, who died in a porch laden sleep,
though I still see you walking with all the ghosts,
of all the aunts, in long summer dresses, a pinched smile
a long traveled mile
To the Fair in August, and the smell of manure
scrap yard ferris wheel with half the lights out,
Some blinking. Creaking rust and happy children
Screaming innocence of blacked-eyed suzie
bemoans its fate to a vase as
New Construction covers the northern lights,
parsley crab pie, an internet recipe, a mouthful of fire, spices,
cooling on the windowsill, microwave madness, purity of steaming rice
Spread out before me. Impressed. You made me smile.
You made me cry. Like a baby. One day we’ll make love to this
Violin
One Day
I’m going to revise this poem

GCH

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winter solace

Today was fuzzy socks
under a tall tree of solitude
long branches dipping
into sandy creek
reflections
of sun
and who I am

Today is over in a sea
of yellow orange
love that I intend
oh, distant heart
distant heart
can you hear me?

Today was an astonishing island
shipwrecked imagination
that howls in the tunnel
of nightfall
Outside is frozen mulch
and hungry birds

Tomorrow will come tonight
out of the forest of fears
and the lights of all-night diners
racing blood
imprisoned memory
of yesterday

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A fans journey

The internet is sadly my new newspaper

Update, 8:26 a.m. ET, 12/31: Nobody can really ever understand someone else’s passion unless it is theirs. We all have, need, and want diversions from everyday life and strife and this is one of mine. It has consistently annoyed people in my life for as long as it has been in my life -Forty-one years and counting now. To me, that is just a shame and it must be noted that, it will always be a part of me -psychologically – mentally – emotionally – and it is fun, unpredictable, horrible at times,( in loss) deep, joyous,(in victory) rebellious, strategically playful and it is the root of many conversations, memories, friends and more friends to come. So if anyone gets in the way of this “part of me” I would feel very sorry for you.

These are the dark times, the times that every fan knows they will always have to live through. As in “What goes up, must come down.” Like everything in life, you cannot be fooled by success, darkness lurks around every corner. This is perhaps nothing, I think, compared to the 1970’s and early eighties. With 4-10, 2-12, 6-10 seasons hitting you year after year, you become seasoned for disappoint.
When you are a ten year old boy that doesn’t understand how his heroes could fail him, then the tears that follow could only be the tip of the iceburg, the the said “berg” being ENDLESS bad calls, ENDLESS bad draft picks, ENDLESS horrible coaching, ENDLESS key injuries, ENDLESS doubt, lost pride, horrible play calling and ENDLESS head shaking at what might of been, what could have been and all too familiar “WAIT ‘TILL NEXT YEAR!”
Update, 1140 a.m. ET, 12/31 Nicks might not play due to a broken toe and that is key. He has been nothing short of sensational this year. The game has been moved back to a 4:00 PM start and the Bear vs Packer game is also for 4 PM. So it will be an ongoing scoreboard watching, field watching nerve-wracking adventure. This is much better than having the games start at separate times, I think, let’s just get it all over with at once.

It’s been so long since I’ve attended an away game, I can’t even remember but it was certainly in the BC era (Before Children) and the celebratory Not Married years of gambling, drinking and footballizing.


The drive begins Saturday afternoon. 229 miles. Overcast and drizzle we churn through the tolls, bridges and traffic. Over the Chesapeak Bay and past Bailtimore where we get a glimpse of The Ravens homefield where they will be playing on Sunday also.

The more I think about it, the more it realistic it can be; Giants win and Bears win. Simple? No. The problem is the Bears have absolutely nothing to play for.

Past Baltimore and into Maryland. We are now approaching enemy territory.
Update, 8:00 pm. ET, 1/1/2011: Where did this season go? 2011?? Where did this year go? Seems like yesterday I was on top of a snowpile with my airbags deployed sitting in my totaled car with my two boys. That was Christmas 2010. Then it was Spring. Then Summer was gone and now it another year. We are driving around the area after checking into the Holiday Inn. The rain intensifies and I wonder how we will stay dry at the game tomorrow if it doesn’t stop. I always thought bad weather was good for the Giants. Running game and defense is their ( apparently ) strengths. But all that goes out the window when you lead the league in turnovers.

Update, 2:30 p.m. ET, 1/2/2011: We just lost another option a “backdoor” into the playoffs. After a steak dinner, a college bowl game on Tv and a good nights sleep we watch the Saints get upset by the Bucaneers at New Orleans (a huge upset) and something FINALLY goes right for the Giants. BUT unfortunately we also need Carolina (probably the worse team in the NFC) to beat Atlanta (arguably the BEST team in the NFC. This didn’t even come close to happening. The Panthers lost 31-10.
So now as we prepare to head up to the stadium it is up to the Giants and Bears to win today. If that happens we “sneak” into the playoffs as the last seed.

Update, 2:30 p.m. ET, 1/2/2011: It is Harry, Joe and George hobbling behind them. Still raining. A little chilly. We are deep in enemy territory now except for Joe we are wearing our Giant blue. There seem to tons of Giants fans here but the burgandy and gold by far out numbers the visiting team Giants. Surprisingly there is no booing or taunting as we walk through the crowd. The Redskins season was miserable and ended a long time ago. It has been years since they made the playoffs. Every year a new hope a new hero (this year Donathan McNabb) and always a great start and then a big letdown.

We finally get to our seats and it just knocks me over. We are almost what seems to be (for me anyway) at field level and we are on the 50 yard line right behind the Giant bench! After sitting in the upper section for 35 plus years this a real treat.

Update, 4:15 p.m. ET, 1/2/2011: At game time it is still raining but we are covered by the second tier! I had to look at the face value of these tickets because I couldn’t believe how good they were. $99. Shit I’ll take that any day. These are probably $700. tickets in New York.
It’s a strange feeling to watch your team take the field in their away “whites” and have the people all around you booing and hissing. But in my new lower seats, the field looked smaller, the players looked bigger and things were more laid back here in Washington. You could “move around” the stadium without any real hassles from the ushers or security.
I never really felt the Giants would lose. They didn’t dominate but they were in control. In my many never forgotten memories of games and single plays, I witnessed one today. Right before my eyes, right in front of us and the Giants bench…..Manning to Manningham 92 yard catch and run. The longest of Eli’s career. In his seven years as Giants QB…he was NEVER known as the long ball guy so this was really sweet.
Four turnovers, two by Osi under a darkened moody sky kept things under control.

Eli in the shotgun 3rd quarter


The game was on the field but the other game and perhaps the real game was being played in Chicago at the same time. “We” needed the Packers to lose or tie. The scoreboard was constantly flashing scores but for the odd reason that we could only understand, they did not show the Bears-Packers score.
Update, 6:01 p.m. ET, 1/2/2011: My cousin Jim Gill in Ohio finally broke the tension with a Bears 7-0 and they just had a goal line stand text message. We were in the right place. Both of the teams we needed to win were winning, if just barely but they were winning. But these were very seasoned football men here. In the NFL it is NEVER OVER until the final tick tocks.

They weren’t showing the score on purpose and it was because the Bears were giving it a good fight. It was very late into both games and … oh shit, wait a minuet, “Tie game in Chicago” So NOW they put up the score. And the crowd cheers. They even show the touchdown on the huge screens on both ends of the stadium to eveyones delight.
Here’s what I thought about FeDEx Field: It looked alot older than I thought it was, kinda rusty and cracked but it is after all over ten years old already. The fans were strong and loud and to me that was impressive considering that this was the last game of a VERY DISMAL and disappointing season. A season that had very high hopes with a new, previous successful head coach. The fans around us were really into the game, young and old and I love to see that kind of passion. The cheerleaders were amazing and then there is the world famous Redskins band. A real tradition and presence in the stadium. The Redskins theme song played after their two touchdowns really added to the celebration and EVERYONE knew the words and EVERYONE got up to sing them. Not only that but a couple of guys came out running with these really huge Redskin flags and ran all over the field. Compared to what the Giants do (NOTHING) this was pretty cool in my eyes. What’s wrong with a couple of bells and whistles at a football game? When the Giants score they play that really fucking stupid same song over and over-BIG FUCKING DEAL-“I’m back in the New York Blue” I don’t even know who sings it NOR DO I FUCKING CARE.
The bottom line is this, the two owners of the Giants, Mara and Tisch, disagree on the bells and whistles thing. Mara is an old school guy like his dad while Tisch is more on the line of putting some celeberties on the sidelines, some cheerleaders and who knows what else.
My thoughts: I WANT A BAND AND CHEERLEADERS!
And the funny thing is, I used to be proud that the Giants put more emphasis on the game then on the sideline activity.

In front of the busy Giants sideline, a nice treat for someone who spent 40 years in the upper deck heavens.


The wise old men of the NFL

Update, 705 p.m. ET, 1/2/11
FINAL: GIANTS 17 Redskins14
But even before this, the big boards showed the game ending interception by the Packers to seal the Giants fate. We won, but we lost. We won but the Redskin fans let us know with chants and jeering that our season had ended today. I wasn’t hit too hard by this. It was a strange season. It was a disappointing season because at one time, after the Atlanta game, the media called us (once again) “The best team in the NFL” (always a curse) It seems to me, that much like the prized Super Bowl season only a few years ago, this team thrives on being the underdog. It thrives on flying in under the radar, the team that nobody cares about nor expects to win.
To add insult to injury, on my way out of the stadium I got distracted by a fight. A fight between two girls, both Redskin fans, of all things and as I was making a movie of it with my camera (YouTube “viral” dreams spinning in my head) another fan, a very drunk fan, and a young Giants fan, of all things, viscously bumped into me and I dropped my camera and it splattered on the concrete. It wasn’t worth screaming or getting angry. I actually hated that camera. I wanted to take a photograph of it lying on the cold concrete…broken and sad….but I couldn’t, my camera was broken.

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The House with the Knife in the Window

fear is a childs greatest passion


The House with the Knife in the Window was every childs worse nightmare because once upon a forever my brother Glenn came home one day (running through the backyard one day) all excited about what he had seen (one day) We were all so very young so very innocent, so very hot in the yellow Summer sun. Glenns eyes were wider then the lies he was always known to tell as he got up on the stage (the redwood table where we hung out)on those hot Summer worthless days. We were lost in pure boredom, waiting for the fifth of July (when we walked the streets collecting unexploded fireworks) It was these unexploded fireworks that we slowly unrolled into a bowl, the sparkling gun powder, never wasting a grain. It was a preteens gold. Glenn said:
“There is a house with a knife in the window” he told us with those wide brown puppy dog eyes.
Yeah so? But it wasn’t just ANY knife. It apparently was one of those knifes that you only see in a horror movie. (a dagger) “Let’s go!” And it was time for an adventure.
This was no ordinary run down the street and go see thing, this was an ADVENTURE. Pack the wagon with essentials ( rocks, tape, sticks, chlorine tablets from the pool binoculars and a fake gas can) kinda journey.
When you are small, like we were then, three child steps equals one adult step. THEREFORE we were traveling 3x further than we really wanted to go so one mile to the house with the knife in the window was really three. Harrison avenue was a very long road in the hot sunny days of the early 1970’s.
So like the Little Rascals camping trip, the gang, our gang, the sidestreet gang trudged toward mystery, fear and perhaps …….death.
What was it about the house with the knife in the window that made us stand there and stare.
Wow. ooooohhh. Ahhhhhh. Oh my God, that surely is a big knife.
The best of my memory says that the sidestreet gang made many pilgrimages to stand and stare at that knife in the window. We wondered why it was there. We imagined the murders it had committed but most of all we looked for signs of life inside the house.
Then it happened. One day the old woman that lived there came outside in fascination at our staring at her home. We all ran. When we came back days later the knife was gone and the window was down, because after all, that was all the knife was used for; holding up an old wooden window in the hottest days of Summer.

There were many things that came flooding back to my depleted memory.

In November 2010, Photos That Make You Think, cousin James Gill came back to me like a blurry forgotten dream. It might have been the very first of many Summer visits….but now I remember the dog tags and boots, the smell of his fathers popcorn in big brown bags. Dads rosebushes were still in full (first) bloom but the weeds around them needed pulling.
You only reminded me of Sandra Bullock ten years after you gave me your last gift, a tree. The tree died in a terrible drought on my deck in the house I bought to raise a family.
And while watching Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood I finally realized all that my mother had been through. Giving painful birth ten times, cleaning up vomit and shit, the never-ending yelling and screaming. The sweat and tears. The endless cleaning and cooking. Did I think it just happened? This was your life Joan Dorothy Gill, unselfish and hard…..full of temptation, lust and heartache. Almost everyone died before you, your mother, father, husband, second daughter, two more husbands, your friends and most of your inlaws ABANDONED you when became a widow. A widow with ten children, a business, a manager with a thirst for embezzling, and you carried a yearning to escape ……. any which way that you could.
In my daily early morning Frankenstein walk to the bathroom, the creaking old wood floors, my popping prostrate, the furnaces hissing my name, I realize the beauty of another day. The shortened frozen mornings of my fiftieth Winter, all I want to do is crawl back under the blankets and stretch my legs. All I want to do is escape from the deadlines and death of working to death. This is supposed to be a magical month. When Gregory, Glenn, Gary, Grant and I were younger forty years ago (in pajamas with feet) we counted the days and then hours until Christmas. We lay in bed and sang, crazy made-up songs and Christmas Carols. From the Sears Toy Catalog “wishbook” we picked out one “big thing” and “two small things” and this was UNnegotiable.
In my chipped front teeth childhood, I dreamed of adult Christmas’ ; of sleeping late in blanket-covered beds by frosty windows. I am still afraid of change. It still happens all the time. So fast sometimes. So damn ruthless.

Posted in Self Portrait, Tall Tales, Uncategorized | Tagged | 47 Comments

Modern Love: Texting.

No new mail. The GPS told me where I was so I left. Recalculating!

Posted in Krystina, Uncategorized | 14 Comments

The real failure of improv is not trying it.


Bob bought me some orange chicken on 30th street. The Rangers homecoming. Ranger Blue and Red everywhere. The wind dancing with discarded newspapers. I’ve been waiting for this yellow-taxied moment-standing in the middle of the greatest city in the world – looking up – Lazy tripping reflections off the million or so windows. Translucent double-sided clear, removable vinyl, mounted to 1/4″ gator board.
“Where’s my freakin fortune cookie?”
My father grew roses around the house – like the necklace around your neck. And they bloomed twice a year. Sometimes at peak, if you walked out into the yard, the fragrance would almost knock you down.
My father grew a business in a ritzy rich town – like an ice cream store in hell. And it bloomed with burlap and silk. Sometimes during a sale, if you walked out into the racks of fabric, the fragrance would almost knock you down.
The Diary Of A Sex Addict (ACT 8 SCENE 3)
“Ok ok ok, just leave me alone…you fucking asshole. I’m not some damn machine!”
“I love you.”
(curtain)

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One giant leap for mankind

Thoughts on turning 50I never dreamed of a mountain top so crisp and clear and deep as I did on August 25 2010. Both my parents and two of my five sisters have passed away. Our Gill cousins are “around the corner” My fathers side has slipped away. Keeping up with the Jones’.
AUGUST 2010: August 2010 has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month.
Contrary to what you’ve been hearing on the internet this is not a rare occurrence, and it certainly happens more often than once every 823 years.
This is part of a cycle: In August 2009, there were five Saturdays, five Sundays and five Mondays. August 2011 will have five Mondays, five Tuesdays and five Wednesdays.
The next time we get five Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays in August will be August 2021.
There was a full moon on my 50th birthday but it rained. But the next day I took a photo of it on my way to work:

In ONE HALF OF A CENTURY I remember many historical things: JFK’s funeral on TV. Man landing on the moon for the first time. Being at the 1965 New York Worlds Fair. The Space Shuttle disaster and the terrorist attacks on New York I also watched live on television. I have met thousands of people–some of them for only a few seconds or minuets but I remember them. I have also lost my memory on many things and many people.
I have worked many jobs. Paper boy, refrigerated warehouse lifting 100 lb cases of beef. Lucent technologies plotting services. Large format prepress printer in New York City. Weedwhacker. Aluminum line paint mixer. Arcade attendant. Sign designer. Web builder. Forklift driver. Truck unloader. Recovery driver. Gas station attendant. Junk yard auction yard.
In fifty years I am a survivor because I knoe of at least twenty or more of my friends that are at or around my age that have succumbed to addiction.
I don’t drink or smoke but I drink too much coffee and Red Bull. I’m not much for sweets but salt is a huge addiction.
As for life at Fifty, “you’ve always been here”

I woke up in a house of clocks alarmed at where I had ended up in life. On my 50th birthday I gratefully never entered a room filled with people I know screaming surprise, but I worked a 13 hour day and very humbly had dinner in a Polish restaurant with Krystina. It was the best birthday I ever had. The mushroom soup was excellent.
I feel like I have read the Star Ledger a New Jersey based morning newspaper my whole life. I even delivered it for three years when I was a young teen before it became an “adult job” In the Summer when I had no school, I stayed up all night, writing, drawing and dreaming before I would deliver the paper at 2 or 3 am. It is just one of those things that have been part of my life. Those mysterious dark walks at night delivering newspapers, sometimes with my bike. It was the beginning of that isolation and loneliness that I found so comforting in my life.
Dad loved the Sunday paper and read it it inside out. I guess I inherited that. A good thing. A lot of people don’t read the newspaper anymore. They stopped having it delivered and they don’t buy it from newsstands. Sunday may be a small exception. The internet has killed the newspaper. The slow death is almost complete.
I remember reading as a kid that Black Bears had not been seen in New Jersey for almost seven decades and the writer assured me, that “Bears of any kind will never tread on New Jersey soil ever again.”
Slowly but surely over the years they have begun to move in.
New Jersey is the most densely populated state in the United States. Between 1950 and 2000, the population nearly doubled to reach 8.4 million. As development eats away at black bear habitat, the number of reported human-bear conflicts has risen.
I remember when spotting a deer as a kid was a BIG thing! Now they are EVERYWHERE. In Watchung NJ, they are like squirrels. Running across neighborhood streets and hanging out in groups in peoples backyards.
Recently last Fall they were pulling Seals out of the ocean as far north as Seawaren and as far south as Point Pleasant Beach. Seals …… IN NEW JERSEY!!! When I lived in Spring Lake a runaway deer was so confused and lost that it just took off blindly into the ocean !! It ended up with its foot caught in the rocks with a rapidly rising tide. I witnessed the dramatic rescue and still can’t forget the very strange contrast of brown deer against white sand and ocean.
Another great Jersey Shore attraction this year has been shark spotting. Not a rare event but certainly something to make the Star Ledger whenever it happens. Deer and squirrels can’t kill but Black Bears and Sharks can bite your leg off.
My only true visit to the beach this year I witnessed a panic as two fins broke the ocean top close to the shoreline. OMG SHARKS everyone yelled but the lifeguards were quick to correct us that they were indeed—DOLPHINS. Dolphins in New Jersey, it is indeed a strange globally warming planet that we are living on!


In the sometimes insanity of everyday life, I’ve taken time to hold the moment. All work and no play makes Jack an insane boy. If you are enveloped in slavery, open up your feelings. Scream with your mouth. Free yourself and SPEAK UP because you are a human being you deserve it. Somebody is watching over you at all times. I swear.

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