Happy Birthday Mom……Entry for June 27, 2008

Way back in the Summer of 1967 our family spent the Summer at Mantalookin on the Jersey shore–I know it was 1967 because “Windy” by The Association was playing constantly on the radio. At seven years old I knew all the words by heart. When I hear that song to this day—-all the memories of that Summer at Grandpa Gills Summer house come storming back.
Getting thrown into the lagoon by Rebel. Crabbing with Carol. Being allowed to hold a sparkler in my hand on the 4th of July.
God, I hated that lagoon. It was just too dark and mysterious and besides I had recently saw “The Monster From the Dark Lagoon”

Every night the adults put us to bed really early. I remember the sun was STILL UP! How am I supposed to sleep like this.
One night mom bought me to bed said, “be right back to tuck you in”
I waited.
Waited.
Watched the shadows move across the ceiling.
Waited as it got darker.
Darker.

Suddenly the door opened and it was Mom. She didn’t forget. “I’m sorry honey, I almost forgot.”
There is really nothing quite like being; “tucked in”
Probably one of the most secure feelings in the world for an eight year old boy.

Mom. I miss you. You should still be around damn it. Those fucking cigarettes! You were WAY too young. So was Carol. So was Brother and Bev. And Dad……38 years old.
You would have ONLY been 72 years old. See, your best friend from Whitman street, Helen, lived to be 80 (she didn’t smoke)

Who am I to have ever judged you and to have hated you and pushed you away from me almost my whole life. You were, who you were. You were very human, like all of us. We all make mistakes and do stupid things.
You had 10 kids. Dads business. You weren’t a business person. You were forced into it. People were embezzling money from you. Stealing from 10 kids and a mom. You did the best you can—
you did the best you can
you did
I remember that night like it was yesterday. You know how some memories in our cluttered brains are forever?
I remember the wooden venition blinds in my room……waiting. The clinking glasses of the adults outside. … thank you for coming back forty one years ago mom…..it meant the world to me. See, I remembered your favorite color was green. I really hope we see each other again mom. I miss you. Happy Birthday.